How to get along when working together on the farm
The frustration is real.
You’re trying to explain why a new way of doing something on the farm will be easier or better. But your dad/mom/sister/brother/cousin is shutting you down or getting argumentative. You can’t imagine why.
The answer might be hidden in their personality type.
While decoding someone’s personality 100 per cent isn’t possible, and not everyone can be a psychologist, a general understanding of how people are likely to react in different circumstances based on how they process information, their communication style and preferences can help to improve communication and prevent unnecessary conflict.
For example, there is a saying that introverts need to think to talk and extroverts need to talk to think — which is pretty spot-on when it comes to broadly describing these two personalities. But there are so many chemical and electrical processes going on in the brain that determine the lens through which we see the world that it is almost impossible to put anyone into a neat, personality “box.”
That doesn’t stop us from trying though. Wendy Sage-Hayward, a family business continuity expert in Vancouver, prefers to talk about communication style rather than personality to describe how people view the world and interact with each other.
There are many models designed to characterize the components of different personality types and consequent communication style, such as Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, True Colors, or Insight Discovery (to name a few). While formal personality tools can offer a helpful starting point for understanding communication styles, they aren’t always accessible. A basic awareness of how people communicate can be just as valuable, especially within family relationships.
Drawing on the work of famous Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, Sage-Hayward explains the three basic dimensions that factor into how someone thinks, views the world and interacts with others (although there are endless combinations within each that result in the nuanced and complex attributes that contribute to what we call personality).
“Personality is a psychological term that has a lot of different components to it and is very complex, but what we are trying to understand is the way the brain thinks and operates in its day-to-day processing,” she says.
“People process information in very different ways. In a family, the entrepreneur or idea-driven person may feel like the practical one is shutting things down, while the practical person is just pointing out what might not work. The reality is, they need each other — the ideas need grounding and the practical perspective helps bring those ideas to life.”
That’s where the difficulty in relationships and communications comes in. Different personality types can generally get along when things go smoothly but throw in a problem or a stressful situation and that’s when their different styles and perspectives show up.
Introvert versus extrovert
Someone who is more introverted may prefer to sit back and listen because they want to be thoughtful and intentional about the way they respond. They like to come into a conversation prepared and want all the information they can get to fully understand the issue, so their decision-making process may be slower.
An extroverted person, on the other hand, will jump in and start talking, tossing out ideas and brainstorming, exploring the issue and coming to a final decision through dialogue.
Thinking versus feeling
For a thinking- or task-oriented person, decision-making is grounded in facts and objective information. They focus on understanding the data and using it to reach a logical conclusion.
A person who is relationship- or feeling-oriented might be more subjective and consider how a decision will affect someone.
Sage-Hayward gives the example of buying a photocopier for an office.
“The thinking, task-oriented person will want to know the price, the warranty, how many pages per toner and all the objective information. But a feeling- or relationship-oriented person might be concerned about it being quiet because it’s going to sit beside the receptionist who is often on the phone, and they want the machine to be easy to use for the office staff.”
Sensing versus intuitive
Pragmatic people are practical in the way they think and in the way they process information. They are rooted in the present, everyday or the past. Interpretive people are abstract thinkers. They might be the founders of or entrepreneurs in a family business. They are creative and think beyond what is here and now to what is possible.
What’s important to people and what causes them stress?
“If you think about style, it’s a combination of those three preferences or ways of being,” Sage-Hayward says. “Someone can be an introverted thinker who focuses on concrete information, or an extroverted feeler who relies more on intuition, for example.”
The first step to better understand each other and improve communications comes down to observing what is important to people, what they value, what they pay attention to and what causes them stress.
Louise Sanders of Stress Experts, based in Carman, Man., uses the Enneagram model in her work.
“The Enneagram goes into the motivations, why you do what you do,” she says. “It helps us recognize patterns in our behaviour, understand why we react the way we react, and helps us have more compassion for others and ourselves.
“It helps improve communication because you are not taking things so personally when you understand that a person is stressed and that’s their response under pressure.”
Valuing differences
Even when you start to take more notice of the reactions and characteristics of the people around you, it can be hard to change the dynamics, as families, especially, tend to fall back into deeply entrenched, historical patterns of communication.
So, how do you change the dynamic? This is where some of the personality models can be useful.
Sage-Hayward favours a model called Insights Discovery from Scotland and believes it can provide a framework for thinking about communication and about why everyone in the family sees and operates in the world differently.
“No tool is able to tell us everything about the complexity of who we are as a human but using a tool that brings language to help us speak about a complex concept like communication and understand people more deeply, also helps you to value them.”
“To see what you value about your brother is that he’s fantastic at doing spreadsheets and helping you analyze and make better decisions. And Dad gets stuff done and challenges you in ways that other people won’t because he’s the driver. Your sister brings positive energy and she’s a great champion.
“Valuing the different communication styles and preferences that each person brings to the team is really helpful,” says Sage-Hayward.
She also suggests conversations take place in a structured meeting with an agenda and agreement about a code of conduct for the meeting.
“Make sure everyone has a voice and that people aren’t talking over each other and airtime is shared,” she says.
“And remember, the problem isn’t each other. It’s something separate. Try to externalize it instead of making it about Dad, Mom or a sibling. Take off the family hat and put on the business hat. That helps move the family dynamics out of the room so you can actually have a meaningful conversation.” (An external facilitator is helpful for families who have a hard time taking off their family hats.)
The communication gym
Everyone changes as they mature and become more self-aware over time. And while they become more tempered, they aren’t likely to change their stripes. It’s highly unlikely someone is going to go from being an extroverted thinker to an introverted feeler, but most people can fine-tune their behaviour to a certain extent.
“It’s not, ‘this is the box you’re in and now this is who you are’,” says Sanders. “This is your type and this is your pattern but it’s not an excuse for behaviour. It’s an acknowledgement and understanding of what’s happening and how you tend to react under pressure. With this awareness and some tools, you can change how you respond under pressure, making communication and relationships with others more effective.”
“A person might not be detail-oriented, but if they are conscious of that, then they can work on it,” Sage-Hayward says. “Someone can work on being more detail-oriented, pay more attention to being organized, being more structured. It is like building muscle in different ways of being and thinking. It is a work in progress for one’s whole life, and for some communication styles they may have to be intentional. They might need to get a coach.
“Think of it as going to your communication gym and having a personal trainer to support your learning.”
Personality models
Below are a few of the many models that categorize different personality types:
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Based on the work of Dr. Carl Jung, this model breaks personalities into 16 types based on four groups of characteristics: extraversion/introversion, sensing/intuition, thinking/feeling and judging/perceiving. www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/myers-briggs-overview
True Colors
A system that uses four colours (green, orange, gold and blue) to designate personality types and behavioural styles. Each colour is associated with certain personality traits or behaviours. Everyone has a blend of each colour, but one is predominant. Someone who is predominantly green is analytical, while orange is action-oriented, gold is organized and blue is relationship-oriented. www.truecolorsintl.com
Enneagram
Denotes nine personality types: reformer/perfectionist, helper, achiever, individualist, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger and peacemaker. www.enneagram institute.com/type-descriptions
Insight Discovery
Also based on the work of Dr. Carl Jung, this model uses four main colours to represent observable behavioural patterns with 72 types overall. The colours are blue (cautious), red (competitive), yellow (persuasive) and green (caring). These are measured by the Insights Discovery evaluator, which results in an Insights Discovery Personal Profile. www.insights.com/ca
